I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
