shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
