I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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