I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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