I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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