I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
