If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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