I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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