I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
