Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dick very happy bro
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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