I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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