When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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