I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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