yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
