Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We got so high we made milksteak
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
