I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my shit smells like andre
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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