the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
