Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
