then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
