you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i will never coherently bang her
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
