I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
