With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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