Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
