is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
