Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize