He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
