Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
