who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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