Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize