You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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