I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
