Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
