I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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