Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
