So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize