Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm getting married
To pizza
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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