Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
