chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Quick, to the slutcave!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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