Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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