This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
