I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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