i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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