your parents love me but you hate me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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