I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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