I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize