A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
