My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
