I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize