is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
