a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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