i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Welp...herpes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
