the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
