I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
