Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
