Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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