im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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