from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
