Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
