Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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