who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
