I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
