DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
