foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
