I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
How external is "for external use only"?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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